Tag Archives: all about me

I am no longer the answer…

…to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything. 

I had a very nice birthday on Tuesday and turned forty-three. There was cake, I took the day off work in order to be entirely useless and lazy, and in the evening we went out for some yummy Mexican comfort food.

Family members (even my mother!) and a few dear friends thought of me and called or sent me an e-mail or even an actual birthday card. That really meant a lot to me. Connection, keeping in touch and staying friends, is the greatest gift for me.

I do feel the middle age, and I’m weirdly out of sync. I remember moments of when I was five, ten, thirteen, fifteen, thirty like yesterday. I have moments when I miss people I have lost years ago as keenly as if it just happened. Time is fleeting, and the human mind is a wondrous wisdomball…

Apart from that, autumn is finally really here. After a night of wind and rustling leaves, a drizzle has set in. Now the world is damp and gray, with a muted bronze splash of colour from trees that seem to go from green to brown this year, skipping the more colourful hues autumn for now.

The cats, intrepid, and protected by lots of warm fur, still insist on their morning out on the balcony.

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Silence like a Cancer

Silence. 

I appreciate silence. All kinds of silences. 

The icy, breathless, peaceful silence of falling snow. The soft, wistful silence of an autumn’s day, the only sound the wind rustling the leaves. The silence of heavy breathing after you’ve  had sex or laughed or cried together. The pause of hard thinking. The stillness of perfect presence. The comfortable quiet after a good meal. 

But in recent years silence has started eating me up, inside out. In conversations or discussions where once upon a time I would have objected or argued passionately, I say nothing. Or at the most “I disagree.” Thoughts, dreams, questions, experiences I once would have shared on my blog or LJ or Dreamwidth remain secrets. Emotions unexpressed, fears unmentioned. In the shower, in a lavender bubble bath, on a walk, on the train I think about essays I’d like to write, about a series of blog posts I’d like to share. I compose them in the silence of my mind and that’s where they stay. 

Silence surrounds me and fills me up. Invasive, enveloping. 

I’m not sure how to break this habit.

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So…

…apparently it’s (inter-)national coming out day today.

I’m not really out offline because [reasons]. (Please respect that. Thank you.)

But coming out online was one of the first and best things I did this year. I’m agender. (I’m also pansexual and somewhere on the asexual spectrum.) I really appreciate it that online I have a space where I can express those aspects of my identity.

Introspection – how I understand myself, how I define myself – is essential for me, and a lifelong journey. A journey with ups and downs, detours and breaks, sometimes exhausting, sometimes exhilarating, with amazing vistas and dark tunnels. And each step offers the opportunity of growth and transformation.

I guess what I want to say is that no matter where you are on your journey, it’s okay. Last year I agonised over coming out day. I just wasn’t there yet. This year, I’m in a different place. Just keep going. One step at a time.

And here’s a big shout-out to all of my friends, queer and allies, who have supported me when I have struggled with all of this during the last couple of years. You know who you are. Thank you so, so much. I don’t know if I would have made it this far without you.

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Thank you for asking about my pronouns

Thank you for asking about my pronouns. ♥

At the moment I would prefer it if you use just my name (Satis) and no pronouns.

However, I’m perfectly fine with singular “they” or with whatever is grammatically correct and respectful in your language.

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Authentically Satis.

I’ve just realised something: No matter if I choose “calm” or “careful” or “able” or “focused” as my word of the year , depending on what life throws at me, I won’t be able to remain calm or careful or focused or anything at all.

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