I’ve just realised something: No matter if I choose “calm” or “careful” or “able” or “focused” as my word of the year , depending on what life throws at me, I won’t be able to remain calm or careful or focused or anything at all.
Often, I won’t even want to (depending on what exactly life throws at me).
But what I can always be is myself. Authentic.
How trite, though. “Authentic” is such an overdone, overrated word, right?
Unfortunately, that is exactly what I’ve been struggling with for the last three years: Who I am, and what I am.
I’ve been coming to terms with the facts that I’ve been suffering from intense physical dysphoria since I was a teenager and that I don’t think of myself as a woman.
So this is it.
Here I am.
I’m not a woman.
I’m not a man.
I’m human.
(I’m agender.)
I’m Satis.
We are all human and we are all so much more. We are spirits in flesh. “We” are not the shells that contain us while we visit this earth, these shells that we will all one day discard when we no longer need them. You are you–infinitely, gloriously you–no matter what shell you wore before and no matter which one you choose next time. I wonder what lesson you were meant to learn from having this woman shell this time around? I wonder what lessons people who are stuck thinking their shells are all they are will never even come close to learning?
Thank you so much for your kind words and even more for your thought-provoking question. I think I still have quite a journey ahead of me before I can really answer it. Sometimes I feel as if I have failed because there’s this disconnect between me and the shell. Other times, I hope that this may help me see through shells and shields… Right now I’m just thankful that I’m able to understand the dysphoria I’m suffering from and to accept myself as the person I really am.
Well. I honestly don’t know what to think, because this is something outside of my experience, the same way being male, or being Black, or being Sikh are all outside of my experience. So I will just say how glad I am that we are friends, especially glad that we were able to enrich our online friendship by meeting in person. I have admired you since before we were virtually acquainted. Your writing and your wisdom have enriched me, and your friendship gives me joy.
<3
Thank you for your kind words! I’ve been working on a series of essays or posts about my experience during therapy last year, so moving forward I hope to get to a point where I feel comfortable to share that and make my experience more relatable… This has been quite a big step for me, so I really appreciate your support. ♥