empty
That’s the 15th task of the “Journal for Self-Exploration” by Meera Lee Patel. You’re supposed to make two lists. One with your passions, and one with those of your goals that encompass those passions.
As always with this project, what seemed so easy at first glance turned out to be quite a challenge.
My first, instinctive reaction to the column titled “My Passions” was… “Nope.” Just thinking of passions seemed way too tedious and too exhausting. That initial response was swiftly followed by a wave of weary disappointment: I simply have no passion(s) left.
Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I’ve been through a nightmare of a year. I’ve fallen apart, and I’ve put myself together again.
I’m allowed to feel a bit depleted.
Reflecting the topic of passions some more, a few things occurred to me.
First off, the word “passion” means much more to me than simple enjoyment. In German the word for “passion” is “Leidenschaft” and “Leiden” means suffering. Passion means loving something with an intensity akin to suffering.
Being passionate about something is a personality trait I value highly, and it’s always been one of my defining characteristics, at least in my own mind. Something I’ve always been, something I’ve always wanted to be, something I’ve been proud of, too.
It’s also something I rarely see offline in people. I know so many people who have no special interests or hobbies, much less passions. Going through life without particularly caring about anything at all seems terrible to me. Such a waste of the short time we have – and terribly boring, too. But the thing is: Many people are just too damn busy with life for grand passions.
Online, however, things are different. Mainstream media and social media are brimming with exhortations regarding your passions and ambitions. As if people need all that extra pressure! If you struggle with physical or mental illness, with personal or professional challenges, fuck passion and fuck ambition. And honestly, even if your life is more or less okay? You don’t need to be passionate or ambitious or anything to deserve your life.
Last year my goals dwindled to surviving each day, each week, each month. Those goals had nothing to do with passion. Maybe with stubbornness.
Today my table of passions and goals remains empty.
But that’s fine. Because I’m still here, and because that can change again.
I may not feel particularly passionate about anything right now, but I still enjoy writing and reading and art and photography and cooking and music and hiking, and oh so many things. I still care about human rights issues and politics and fandom. I still love my family, my friends, my cats…
I still have goals, little ones and big ones. Visiting my best friend. Editing the novel I wrote last year. Translating the book of a friend. Travelling with my husband. Taking care of my Dad.
For weeks I’ve struggled with my inability to fill in that damn table. Now I’m thinking that maybe it’s not such a bad thing to leave it empty for now.
Empty columns encompass not just depression and struggle, but options and optimism.
When I’m ready, I can fill them with passions and goals. Until then, I’ll be here, living my life the best I can.